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REDACTED: Dear Colin Meloy

I am so sorry. Boy do I owe you an apology and gollyu is my face red! I did not realize you weren’t half the man Ben Gibbard is; in fact, I’m mortified I even thought that for a second. Here’s a thing. Ben gibbard was the one who married zooey deschanel, not you. Ben gibard had a “drinking problem.” And ben gibbard was the one who made some successful music. I mean he really did, I can resent it all I want but it’s true. Your claim to fame is and I quote my best friend circa 2005 when I made the mistake of asking: “the Decemberists is Neutral Milk Hotel lite.” And like you know how sometimes that’s a compliment? It wasn’t in this case,t o be clear. In fact we laughed for years, everybody did, about how you tried to sound like Jeff Magnum who is actually named, if you can believe it, Jeff Mangum. I was surprised too, so don’t beat yourself up. Haha no I’m kidding if anyone deserves a swirlie more than they deserve to live it’s you. send me a check you can make ti out to sallie mae if you want. 

Fron Lusia 

Ps. nobody gives a fuck about you; stop trying

07:49 pm: letterstolookforwardto

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Dear Max Winkler,

Hi Henry Winklet Son I Need Your Hel,p! My trust fund is so big I can’t even get it open and I figure you can  probably relsate on some or all levels so give me a hand: I will write you a check and it’s totally cool man you just cash it for me. Like you I am a business woman so I understand your need for profit - you can keep all thes tuff I don’t spend. I just need to get this loan out of the way from my schooling, 

LKater we can go out as friendsand get some cocktails or whatever and maybe see a film. Personalyl I am a big fan of old Italian directors and black and white things and the Rat Pack and I know all about mise en scene\s (forgive me I can’t find the accent grave on this keybard). See,you are a director but we have plenty in common. You try spelling camaraderie when uyou’re this fdrunk.
Love your friend Lisa I’ll be in touch about the dunds 
From Lisa
08:44 pm: letterstolookforwardto1 note

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Dear Jimmi Simpson,

Hi Jimmi eSiimspon I am trying to being supportive without crossing a line. I think you are a gret actor but that’s not what I’m after. If you know waht I mean. You know how it is some people only want one thing.

Me specifically the one thing I want is I would like you to help me with my studet loans. I did a goofy thing a few years ago which is that I went toa mediocre private school where I earned a degree in Creative Writing. CREATIVE WRITING. Are you joking with me Jimmi>? Who in their right mind does that??
So obivousky I can make the argument that I’m not in my right mind but I feel it’s important to own up and take responsibility for your mistakes so please send me money so I can pay my loans off they are making me very stressful. If you don’t want to do that it’s f ine can I just have your autohraph or something then. I could sell it on ebAy. I love you. No seriusly I actually love you, it’s really weird.
LKove,
Lisa
10:18 pm: letterstolookforwardto2 notes

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Dear Colin Meloy,

Hey dummy I just wanted to make sure you weren’t feeling confident about your upcoming tour. I can promsie the only people that will like it have bad taste in all sorts of things, or they’re your friends and are just telling you they like it so they don’t hurt yoyur feelings but also apparently have bad taste in things as well because they’re your friends.

Something I’d like to talk toy u about is when Zooey Deschabel broke up with you becausr you thought you were in an alcohoic (when in fact you’re just a fucking slob) and you married this lady did she ever metnion to you how your head is fucking gigantic? Because that’s something I just can’t get past at all. How do you evern put a shirt on in the morning? Like it would makje sense if you wore button downs but you insist on wearing ridiculus t-shirts that show off your small B cups and it’s liike for fuck’s sake man you’re an adult. Put on ar eal shirt and stop singing about your feelings. Speaking of freelings — oh wait I have nothing to say on the matter. BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING MAN.

Plaese donate to help me pay off my student loans.

Thank you,Luasa

10:05 pm: letterstolookforwardto5 notes

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Dear Jack Huston,

Please tone it down you are ruining my life love lIsa

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Dear Newt Gingrich

Newt can I have your Parents phone nmber

08:29 pm: letterstolookforwardto5 notes

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Dear Mike Lazaridis,

First of all: RIM . Come on dude, really/. ?

You wouldn’t know afucking rim if it licked your asshole (you don’t even ge tmy joke: double burn). Second: fuuckk dude, my Blackberry was single worst device I ever owned, literallly, and once on Canal Street I bought a Tomagotchi that had water damage before I eve took it out oft he package. Never worked, not once.S till better than my Blackberry. Let me tell you why.

It fucking sucked. 1)0. I had a hard tine downloading apps, 2) it felt stupid in my hands; 3) it look ed stupid in my hands; 4) the keys fuciing fell off AT A DINNER PARTY; 4) slow as shit, like you (specifically) were powering it on a treadmill;

I’;m so mad. My mom got i t for me for my brithday and I feel like you scammed her. My dead moter.

B
ut the thing i’m maddest about is your secvond chin. not the first, not the thirdf. Your secnd one. I reminds me of a hill I once saw in that giganttic desert I flew over on my weay to Carlifornia. A big old fucking sandy hill. That’s your second chin dude.

Later loser,
L:isa

10:27 pm: letterstolookforwardto1 note

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Dear Hamilton Leithauser,

Whby do you put gel in your hair/.? It looks so bad.

Fron. lisa

09:50 pm: letterstolookforwardto2 notes

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Dear Michael K. Williams,

Hi I’m writing to yubevause I saw you ont he Sopranos the other day and I’m glad yiu;re doing well. Lately I have ben going really nuts for Multi Grain cheerois I know you’re more of a Honey Nut kind opf guy but maybe in a bind the multi-grain could do for you. GThe thing about the multi grain is it’s less sugar and more grains and truth be told I am concerned about your sugar/carbohydrate intake. PleSE PLEse understan that most of yiur sugar should come from fruitsd and vegetables. Alsom things like white bread and refined grains don’ do mnuch for you nutritionally but Multi-Grain cheros has FIVERdiffernt kinds of grains and it’s good to get a variety, woulnd’t you agre. It’s also a fun time to make nutrition a proirity  becase  .

Don’t you want to cone tol a concert with me. I am such a biug fan of you that I am willing to buy your ticket, maybe I will resent it onl time will tell. I will have to buy the ticker on EBAR or CVRAIGSLIST though so please let me know as soon as you can so I can make the necessary arrangement. s The name of the Concer is oDD fUTURE wOF gANG KILL tHEM ll. It’s a few young men with aspirations as big as a mountain. I will buy you a 22oz beer before the concert and you will drink it inside and after we will stand in theback and slisten to all the music and if i get overheated i will have a glass of water. If you want I can take the blow up matress down from above the bathroom adn you can sleep over. I will make pancaskes in the morning and then we will watch Justin Beiber music videos and you can meet my cat even thogh he’s kind of skittish (<3).; I like you Ichael K wilan pleas ehave a nice dar iloveyou

LoveLisa

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Dear Ellen Degeneres,

Hi how are you doing Look I have sone bad news. I know you just got my letter about my car bnot too long ago but listen I already found someone to buy it. It’s not that I don’tlove you becuase I do it’s just that you hemmed and hawwed and it’s a wonderful car. If you are still interetsed in getting to know me as a person however I would be honored.

Ellen here is a problem i have. I’m going to see a band play but now on the same night Neil Young is comig and I don’t know what to do. I was thinking maybe if you want to buy my tickets to see Parts and Labor on April 30th then I can go see Neil Young and I would be happy. I don’t want to hurt Parts and Labor’s feelingb s but Neil Young is more improtant to me as a person. I figure you are prbably good friens with him so it’s not like you’re missing out ifg yuo don’t see him that night. Maybe after we can all have dinner at my house, what is your thoughts on macaraini and chese.

I hope you have been doing well since the last tine we were in touch. Please no hard feelings about my craw.

I loveyuo Ellen love Lisa

04:00 pm: letterstolookforwardto3 notes